Twilight Through Edward's Journal
by sign144
Summary: As we learned in the movie Edward has kept journals throughout his existance. This is my take on how his journal might look throughout the Twilight book. This is my first fanfic.
1. First Sight

This is my first fanfic and it is just my thought on how Edward might have continued his hundred year's worth of journals throughout the Twilight book. Hope you enjoy and please review.

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**FIRST SIGHT**

_**Journal Entry 1**_

I have had some long days in my 100 plus years both as a human and as an immortal but today has broke all records. I was finally getting use to the nothing of existence in Forks where the biggest news in two years was the arrival of a new student. I understood my role in my family as the ears of our little group making sure that no one in the small town had any idea of our true nature and Jasper didn't go off the deep in. And trust me when I say the irony of that is last statement is comical after today because nothing prepared me or my family for this. First through fourth period as expected. Lunch nothing out of the ordinary. Biology all hell breaking loose. Yes that is right, in one hour I almost destroyed myself, my family, our lives in the ridiculously boring town, and most importantly Bella Swan. I still don't understand it. I was just sitting in class recovering from having to listen to all the boys in the school lust after this girl that was average at best and wondering why I couldn't make out any of her thought and then with one breath my world crumbled. I had never smelled blood so rich and luscious. Just the memory brings the venom back to my mouth. All I could think of was how to taste this incredible delicosee. In one hour I had devised more plans to kill this one person than I had managed in the whole five years that I was away from Carlisle. If I had been younger or it had just been myself that I had to worry about I would be writing through red hazed eyes but it isn't just me that I have to consider and so I am writing as my ferry crosses into Alaska. I hate to admit that I was weak and I ran. I know that I am causing my family hurt especially Esme but I just don't think I could look in their eyes and see the disappointment and betrayal of knowing that I was the one that "went off the deep in". See the irony now? I can't go back now maybe not ever. This is more than anything I have ever faced and I don't think I have the strength to face it at all. I know that they would understand if I had lost the fight, but I keep hearing Alice's voice in my head telling me that I wouldn't just destroy Bella's life but Charlie's as well if I gave into the monster within. True that I have never spent any time with the Chief of police but I can't handle the guilt of knowing with one action I ripped his life apart just because I have no control. Carlisle has taught me better than that and the idea of letting him down in such a drastic fashion was more than I could handle which is why I just stopped told him I was leaving and preceded out of town. I knew he was worried but I could bare the shame I would see in his eyes if I admitted to my weakness. No one could ask for a better father, friend, and mentor and the last I wanted was to kill his faith in me. I don't know where to go from here. This crossroads that I am suddenly facing. Alice had said that something new was coming but I had thought that she meant the new girl that everyone else had been talking about. Bella. Just the name brought back the hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, but mostly the hunger. So I can't return no matter how much I am hurting my family. Because if I went back before I knew that I could handle this compulsion I would hurt them even more.

_**Journal Entry 2**_

A week in the heart of Alaska and I am no closer to an answer. I'm lonely from missing my family, I am angry for my reaction to a slip of a girl that just happened into my meager existence, I am annoyed from Tanya throwing herself at me even though I have told her repeatedly that I harbor no special feelings toward her, and I am tortured because everywhere I look I see those eyes. Those chocolate oceans of interest and silence. Does it help or hurt that I couldn't hear her mind? Would I have been able to move past the taste for her? I had never ended a life that wasn't deserving and just maybe if I could hear her thought and know that she wasn't a threat or a menace then I could control the hunger. But I still didn't know and until I did was it fair to go back and endanger not only her life but mine and my families in the hope that I could be able to control myself as I had in that one hour of existence. I knew that I could be a selfish person. I could remember if this had always been so and so like most of my despicable traits I blamed it on the monster that raged inside of me, but could I actually be so selfish as to ruin eight lives just so that I didn't have to stay in my self-imposed exile. I missed my talks with Carlisle, Esme's warm eyes that always looked everyone with such love and understanding, playing mind games with Alice that drove everyone else crazy because they couldn't hear us, wrestling with Emmett and Jasper as we headed off to hunt, hell I even missed hearing Rosalie's ridiculously shallow and self-centered thought. I loved my family. If this so-called life was hell then they were my heaven. I could not have asked for a better group of people to spend eternity with. They kept me calm, entertained, grounded, laughing and sane. I knew that Esme worried that I wasn't whole because I hadn't found a mate, my other half and she called it, but I knew that my family was actually what made me complete. Sure it was hard to live with three perfectly paired couples without generally feeling like a third wheel but they always included me and I knew that any of them would do anything for me, even Rosalie. I owed them more than this. More than my just disappearing without an explanation or a word as to where I was going and when I would be back. I hadn't even been able to tell Carlisle if I would be back. Even now when the pull to return was eating away at me I didn't know if I was strong enough to go. Because part of that pull was located in the dark brown eyes that stared back at me from every direction. I was a coward and I knew it but I couldn't bring myself to make the choice. The one that I knew as sure as I was lying here surrounded by snow that Alice was desperately hoping to see. Yet until I could make a decision about the girl behind the eyes that bore into my mind and my world I would not return. I would not then my selfishness hurt those that I love the most. I would not become the monster that I hated. I was at least strong enough to do that.

_**Journal Entry 3**_

I'm headed back. Part of me feels as though I am being pushed back and another part feels that I am being pulled back but both parts knew that it is because of those eyes. Those penetrating question filled eyes. They are everywhere and the more I try to not think about them the more I see them. It's like this girl is some kind of personal torture device manufactured just for me. So I decided that if I am going to be tortured I should at least be with my family that can help me resist. At least that is what I am telling myself. Truthfully, I think a small part of me hated the fact that I was chased out of my home by this girl that couldn't move me if she ran head long into my body with all her might. I am a man and even though I might only look seventeen I have lived lifetimes around her and I should be able to control myself more than I did. And yet I can still see those eyes. I can see the confusion and hurt and fear deep in their smooth look just as easily as if I had read her mind. She didn't understand my reaction to her and how could she when I still didn't understand. But it is the fear that has torn me apart. I don't know what there is to this girl but I feel protective. I can't explain it. It is the most confounding thing I have experienced in my multitude of years. I don't know her, I can't read her mind, and I can still smell her blood drawing my mouth to her throat but I want to shield her. I know logically that none of this makes any sense. I mean what could be a bigger threat to her than me? However, that is how I feel. I don't want her to fear me but at the same time I know that this is probable the best thing to keep her alive. I have to sit next to her for the rest of the semester and basically not breath for an hour so that my reaction won't be so extreme and still I want to know what there is in her mind that is drawing me back and the monster inside wants to know why her blood is so mouthwatering. But I will control myself. I will not disappoint my family like that. I will hunt until I am running over with blood and can hardly move before I see her. When the thirst is sated I believe that it will be easier. I know that I am taking a huge gamble with this course of action but maybe Alice will be able to see if this will work. One vision from her and I will be gone once again. I will not unleash the monster that I am. Eighty years as taught me more about the person that I want to be than I ever knew at the tender age of seventeen and I will not go back on all I have build because of one girl no matter how much her eyes call to me.


	2. Open Book

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**OPEN BOOK**

_**Journal Entry 4**_

I go back school tomorrow. Could it really be only one week since I had been there? It felt like yesterday in the way that I can still remember it all but it also feels like years since I have had to endure the force agony of high school and Bella Swan. I have hunted and hunted more than I have in my whole existence and still I am anxious about tomorrow. Alice told me that she sees everything working out fine but I still feel concern. Last week when I sped away from Forks High School I know that everyone had noticed and Bella had to have noticed my reaction to her and my attempts to change my Biology class. I better than anyone else knew how the human mind worked. In eighty something years I had heard it all in one form or another and especially knew how teenage human minds worked. I am trying to prepare myself for the stares. She had to have told someone able my mostly passive violence against her probably embellishing on the details and being that she is new also. Of course everyone will be listening to her and dying to see my reaction tomorrow. They probably have been waiting for my return just to confirm that the Cullens are a bunch of freaks. Most of them already thought it and now in one hour, one week ago I just confirmed. I had the attention that we receive and yet I just provided the eager under developed minds more to go on. Everyone has told me that no one has looked at them more than normal but that is just because they have been waiting for me. It is hard to believe that one girl and one hour has caused all these complications. I feel as though I should hate her for being my life under a microscope and causing the monster within to come home to roost but I can't. I can't seem to bring myself to feel the same anger and hatred toward her that I had during that first hour sitting next to her. I knew that she didn't deserve it. She had moved here for whatever reason and she had no idea that her move would become the bane of my world. She was not some demon pulled from the darkest corners of hell to drive me to the brink of insanity. She was a girl. A child that had no idea that the nightmares cause hairs to raise on the neck actually exist. How could I hate her? It was simple and still harder than I would have thought. I wanted to hate her. It was easier than admitting that I was pulled to her silent mind. I was curious why the one person that smelled like every holiday meal and birthday surprise rolled into one was the only person that I could read. It didn't make sense and I needed it to make sense. I needed to know what was in her head. I needed to know what was behind those eyes that even as I closed mine I could see boring into my mind and my non-existent soul. But I could get close to her. I couldn't let myself even open up around her. I had to maintain a distance to keep her safe. To keep my family from hurting and most important to keep myself from succumbing to the monster that I knew I was.

_**Journal Entry 5**_

Today was exhilarating in the most peculiar ways. It started out as depressing as it was nerve-racking. I finally understand Jasper better than I ever knew I could. My loving, dedicated, and annoying family rallied around me as if I would lose it like Carrie at the prom. It was like I couldn't move without one or all of them surrounding me. We were one body with five heads. There were stares but not the ones that I had been expecting. None of the thought I heard had anything to do with my being back or with my total loss, well not total loss or she would have been dead along with my whole Biology class, of control toward Bella. She hadn't said anything to anyone. By lunch I was convinced that if my family hadn't gathered around me like the ants around a molehill then no one would have noticed my return. Even my teachers seemed to have missed the fact that I hadn't been in school for a week. It was a little grating. I mean I knew we were considered freaks and that everyone had noticed that when the sun was out then so were we but I would have thought that a week long absence by one of the five freaks would have registered a little acknowledgement but nothing. I had decided to let it go but then lunch came and once again the five headed monster struck. Alice was completely all over the announcements. "Bella's about to look……act human…..I think he will be okay….Maybe we shouldn't push him" I mean you should have heard their concern. Most of them had told me to skip Biology since I had proved that I was okay during lunch and not press my luck but I had told them I would be fine and that I had to prove to myself that I could sit there and be okay. I couldn't tell them the truth. I couldn't tell them that I needed to actually see Bella. I needed to chance her impression if me. I needed to understand why I couldn't read her mind and I needed to find out why her eyes were holding me captive. Why I couldn't escape those dark depths no matter how many miles I put between us. I would love to say that I have figured it out but I am more intrigued then I had been before. Her mind doesn't work anyway close to any other human that I have ever heard. Maybe that is why I can't read it. She is nothing like I would have thought she would be. Not even close. I can't explain it and the protectiveness that I felt is pulling me almost as much as her eyes. Still nothing pulls me as much as her blood. I hadn't even known that I had gotten close to letting the monster lose until I reached Spanish and Emmett told me how Alice had headed toward my class. It is like the biggest, most confusing situation I have ever found myself in. I can't be near her and still I want to. Even after I knew that I had come close to hurting her I still wanted her to notice me in the parking lot. I wanted her to look at me with those penetrating eyes that seemed to tell so much even though they hide more. I watched her head away from me in the parking lot and it was with a different thought today then last week. Last Monday I was thinking of ways to kill her but today I was thinking of ways to know her. I've heard it said a million times but never understood; what a difference a week makes.


	3. Phenomenon

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**PHENOMENON**

Journal Entry 6

All hell just broke loose. That is the only way to describe today. It started out normal or at least as normal as my life has been since Bella moved to Forks. Alice and I were waiting in the parking lot. I knew I was waiting for her. I didn't know if I was going to talk to her or just watch her but I knew I was waiting for her. However, before I could even figure out my own mind I was thrust into Alice's by a scream of no from her lips. That small instant I saw life flash before my eyes. My life; Bella's life; all of it over in that second of terror as she was being crushed by the car spinning out of control. The only thought I can even remember was "not her" and then I acted. I couldn't let her die. I couldn't explain it but I just felt rather than thought. It was like a compulsion. Before I knew it I had ran at VAMPIRE SPEED over to her and grabbed her slamming her head against the pavement before basically pushing the car away from her. And then it was like something was coming for her over and over and over again. First me, then the car, then the tail of the car tried to crush her legs. I worked harder trying to save her than I did trying to kill her that first day she was here. I could feel my families' glares before the emergency team was even able to get to us. I had all but told everyone about us in front of the whole school. In their eyes I might as well have bit her and it would have been less noticeable. Of course those perfect eyes of hers saw everything. Coming back to school I knew I could discredit her before she even showed up tomorrow but I couldn't make myself do it. It was bad enough that I was rude to her at the hospital and almost admitted that there was something wrong with me before she even agreed to keep my secret. Like I had needed another reason to kill her. Riding home with Rosalie and Jasper had been awful and the fight we got into when we came home was worse. Rose was threatening to kill her in sleep and Jasper had already decided her fate with or without Rose, but I couldn't let her pay for my mistake. The anger that I felt toward them was nothing however to the pain that I felt minutes later when Alice's vision hit me. The look of Bella as a VAMPIRE was enough to kill me, but when Alice said that I was to love her; that she had been the change that was coming for me it was too much. I could think and it didn't help to have every one of my family members thought in my head. The hope and joy and love and worry and despair. Because there was the other side of her vision; a vision that was enough to stop my already long dead heart. My killing Bella and that hurt more than anything in all of my time on this earth. More than dying, more than the change, more than that first day in Biology. The thought that I could end her life was like ending mine all over again.

_**Journal Entry 7**_

I use to wonder why anyone would bet against Alice but now I understand. It's like I can't think or feel. I don't even want to go to school. Not that I have ever really wanted to go to school but I really don't right now. If I could just run until my legs gave out I would but everyone convinced me last night that running would be the worst thing I could do, but they didn't see the vision. They didn't see Bella dead in my arms, my eyes glowing crimson with the fresh kill and the never ending guilt. It's hard to believe it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since I pulled Bella from sure death. I know it sounds crazy but I can't even sleep; of course I never can sleep but this is different. It's like if I close my eyes I will see the same vision. The loss of everything in one fatal act. I know I have to stay away from Bella, but I don't know how. I don't want to hurt her but I believe it is the only way. If I'm kind to her then I've seen what can happen. It's for the best. Besides why do I need to know what is going on in her head? It might actually be a blessing that I can't read her mind. It will just make it easier to ignore her, right? That whole out of sight out of mind but more in my case out of mind out of mind. That is how I am going to have to look at it. There was no reason to talk to her anyway. She was a child in comparison to me and the last thing I needed was to let a child, a mere slip of a girl, destroy all that I am. Yet even as I am sitting here waiting for the sun to rise and my torture to begin anew those few words are burning in me; "Love her too". Alice had said that I would fall in love with Bella and I didn't want to believe it. It was easier to believe that I let the monster loose to crumble my world then to think that something so pure would be out there for me. I was a murder, a monster, an abomination and still the thought that I could experience what my parents and brothers and sisters felt was beyond words. I knew that Esme had always worried that maybe something was wrong that in all these years I hadn't found a mate but the truth was that I just knew that an emotion as giving and hopeful wasn't out there for someone such as me. Sure Carlisle had found it and Rosalie but they hadn't lived the life that I had. They didn't have the human blood on their hands that I did. Yes Rosalie had more than Carlisle but even she was like a spotless little lamb in comparison to me. How could I deserve such an emotion? I knew that I couldn't.

The sun is rising and school is only hours away. Running still seems like the best option but I have already hurt Esme that way. I couldn't do it again and so soon. So I would go back to the sudden prison of my life and I would face my jailer and my executioner and I would suffer though my fate. Because this is what I deserve; this is what monsters get and if there is one thing I am sure of is that I am a monster.


	4. Invitations

**Thanks to everyone that has been reading. I notice there are no reviews and I would love to know what everyone is thinking. I'm sure it will help me to write this better especially seeing as this is my first fanfic. Do you think I have made Edward to dark or stayed true to his character at this point in the story? Let me know.**

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**INVITATIONS**

Journal Entry 8

Every since I was chanced I have known that I was destined for hell but I never thought that hell would come and find me here on Earth. Being this close to someone whose blood drives me crazy, mind is closed off to me, and eyes follow me wherever I go whether she is there or not is enough to send me screaming from any building. Yesterday was the first day after the accident and Bella actually talked to me like nothing was wrong. It was like we never had an almost fight in the hospital. True all she said was hi but I wanted to talk to her so bad. I wanted to explain what had happened. To tell her that she should stay away from me because there was only death and heartache with me but the monster inside would not be stopped. He didn't just show me craving her blood enough to kill her but craving her enough to change her. I knew I couldn't let that happen. If I was to love this creature that fate had torturously put next to me then the least I could do is protect her from me. With that thought I harden my expression and turned away from the one person that I wanted to see the most and she just sat there not saying another word. It was almost harder than that first day. Then I had nearly killed myself and her with thought of her death but yesterday all I could hear was Alice's voice telling me that she loved her too. It was the too that kept running over and over in my head. When I got home I ran. I couldn't take hearing my families thought both good and bad. I didn't want to face Alice and hear how she couldn't wait to be friends with Bella. Didn't she realize that if she was friends with her then that meant I had failed to keep her safe? That the two paths were clearer than even she could see.

Yesterday had been awful but today had been worse. I had expected a repeat of yesterday with Bella trying to talk to me again and my having to turn my back on her once more, but today she said nothing. She just sat there next to me as if I didn't exist. Like we weren't being pulled together by some insane twist of fate. Yes, it was what I wanted and what I knew needed to happen but still it hurt and as I sat there I could imagine her life. High school, college, even marriage. It was perfect just as it should be and you would think knowing that this was right I wouldn't have felt the stab to my not beating heart. I ran again today. I couldn't help it. Just the thought of everyone within the house looking at me and wondering when Alice's vision would come to pass or if I could be strong enough to resist was too much. I would be strong enough and I would hold the vision at bay. I would do what I could to keep Bella away from me. That is what love is all about, isn't it?

Journal Entry 9

Three weeks and you would think that it would be getting easier to not notice Bella but no. I see her in others minds even my sister. On one hand it is strange how Alice misses her. They never even spoke but it is like she lost her best friend. But on the other hand I can understand because I miss her too. I talked to her twice and still I miss her. I miss her eyes the most. I can see them though others thoughts but it is not the same. I run everyday now just to have something to do. It has become so routine and I find that I am enthralled with the workings of Forks high school just so that I can hear about Bella. One day Jessica will love her and I get to hear how Bella helped her with a Trig problem right before class. The next I hear one of the no name boys talking about how pretty she looked with her hair pulled back. I now know more about the student population then I ever wanted to know in my long and complicated life. However, I also know more about Bella and the hardest thing is that she is just plain nice. She is understanding and giving, self-contained and non-imposing. She listens when people talk to her and is open with her responses. She is just nice. What doesn't help is having to sift through the aimless minds of adolescents to get this information. They all seem to have their own version of Bella and none's annoying me more than Mike Newton's. It's like he has made this version of her that is so generic and boring it no way even comes close to the real person that he talks to everyday. And that would be another one of my problems with Newton. He sits on the other side of her in Biology and talks like I don't even exist. I can just imagine smacking him across the room and how great it would make me feel but I have no right to do anything. I gave her up. I walked away and shut her out. True I did it to save her from a fate worse than death or even death itself but it is still hard. I know understand what Alice meant when she said that I wouldn't have the strength to stay away from her. It is like climbing Mt. Everest without any tools and just your bare hands. Basically suffocating. Falling would be easier. Falling off the mountain and falling for her. I could fall in love with her and it would take nothing. No effort, no push, no anything. Just letting myself go but what would that cost me. What would that cost her?

Journal Entry 10

Today I lost. I lost the battle, I lost control, I might have even lost my heart I'm not sure. All I know is that today I gave up the fight. Six weeks, almost two months, countless hours and ridiculous miles of runs and it was all for nothing. Because in one emotional moment I threw in the towel. I knew it was coming but I thought I could handle it. That it would be like any other day, any other situation, and any other question. I just didn't count my response as a facture and now I've destroyed all my planning and my resolve. I want to blame Bella or even Mike but the real fault lies with me and with my own jealousy.

Mike asked Bella to the dance today which I knew was coming but as she sat there next to me looking as though she wanted to turn him down she hesitated. And in that hesitation I saw a future so clear and painful that I almost doubled over from the shock. It was something I had seen before but knew it was right at the moment. Bella moving on, going to college, getting married but this time the thought that she could so completely belong to someone else was like driving a sword through my body. There was every possibility that she was hesitating just to figure out how to let Mike down easy but I couldn't read her mind and in that moment the rage that ran through me was like nothing I had ever experience. The ways that I thought of to eliminate Mike was far worse than anything I ever imagined doing to Bella on that first day and I had thought that was my lowest point. Then as she was telling him no the relief that I felt was better than the best day of my entire existence but it wasn't enough. I knew that she had said no to Mike today but someday she might say yes. Maybe it wouldn't even be Mike but it would be someone and I so desperately wanted it to be me that I let go of everything. I turned and looked at her for the first time in over a month. That alone was enough to make me fall but then she looked back at me and I wanted to tell her everything once again. The only thing that stopped me was the reflection of my eyes in her face and the fact that I could see the darkness there. I hadn't feed in quite awhile and I knew with the temptation that her blood was to me that today wasn't the best day to begin courting her. Yet I still had to speak to her. It had been to long since I had heard her voice directed at me and I needed to hear it. Our conversation was short because she actually told me that she believes that I resent saving her life. The one thing that I have done in my whole life that even comes close to making me worthy of heaven and she thinks I regret it. But how can I really blame her after the way that I have treated her. She walked away from me and my heart followed her. Everyone noticed the difference. Alice almost ruined it by asking if she could talk to her now, but I was still laughing at Bella's reaction to Eric and Tyler's dance invitation. That was priceless.

I have to hunt now. I need to be able to converse with Bella the best that I can tomorrow and the last thing I need is for the monster to poke his head out at me again. Hoping that I will give in to him and take her body to my venom coated teeth. I need to know that I won't hurt her because I now know I can't stay away from her.


	5. Blood Type

**I got my first review EVER and it was so exciting. I hope that everyone is enjoying this as much as I am and I would love to hear more from all of you guys out there stopping by. **

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**BLOOD TYPE**

Journal Entry 11

Can a heart that has been long dead start beating again? Mine just did. Not literally of course but metaphorically my life has just begun. All these years I have watched as others have found a meaning to this existence. First Carlisle with Esme and then Rosalie with Emmett; both of whom I love dearly and knew deserved their soul mate. Nether Carlisle or Rosalie have my history and the changes that Esme and Emmett brought to them was so permanent that you couldn't help but know that you were looking at true love in its rarest and most perfect form. Yet even seeing that such a feeling could exist I knew it would never happen for me. Eighty years of walking among my kind and a hundred plus among human and not once did I see someone and think this is it. This is what I have been searching for. Not even when Alice had her vision of Bella as human or vampire did I think; finally I won't have to be alone. Not a felting thought or a hopeful glance. Nothing; until last night.

I had finish hunting in preparation for taking my chance with Bella but I was too restless to head home. I knew it was beyond wrong but I just had to see her. I found my way to her home and then her room and as I had convinced myself that watching her from her window was not quite Romeo and Juliet but more vampire stalker she began to talk in her sleep. I knew I should turn away; that it was a complete invasion of her privacy, but it was also a chance to know what she was thinking. To finally get a look into her brain without filter or editing. Yet as I sat there watching her sleep and waiting for just one more word to pass through her lips I began to think of the life I could offer her and what that might mean to her. I was on the verge of convincing myself that this beautiful sleeping angel deserved better than me when my name echoed through her room. As I froze thinking that I had been caught she whispered "Edward don't go". I knew she was sleeping, that she was lost in whatever dream had worked its way into her mind, but that one statement was enough to alter me for the rest of my days.

I realized that I was a fool to think that I could fight a battle that was already lost. To believe that I could change what Alice had already seen. That through shear will power I could walk away and leave this amazing woman without ever knowing her. She is all that I have been missing even though I thought I was whole. She is all that I need and so much more than I deserve. She is the reason that I didn't die in that hospital in Chicago so many years ago. She is my life and I am hers body, mind, and if I happen to have one, soul. How I could think that I could live without her I don't know, but I will not change her and I will not destroy her. I will leave her human and cherish every moment that I am granted with her in my life however she is in my life. Maybe one day she will leave me or I will find that strength to leave her to protect her but that day isn't today. Today I will make my case, stake my claim if possible and I will give myself to my love. Because I finally have a reason to be here and I plan to hold on to her as long as I can.

Journal Entry 12

She said yes to me. I know I sound like some adolescent child but Bella said yes to me. I asked her about her trip to Seattle and if she would like a ride and she said yes. I couldn't believe it. I had hoped that after last night she might hold me in some regard but I wasn't sure. Suppose the night before she had told Tyler not to go or Eric or any of the other strange little boys in Forks. Yet when I looked into those mind numbingly beautiful brown eyes and asked her to come with while holding my breath, which didn't have anything to do with trying not to kill her, and she nodded yes I knew that she was mine. Or at least she would be and I finally understood part of Alice's vision. I could see how in an act of pure selfness I could go to Carlisle and ask him to change her. To want to keep her with me always and know that she is completely mine. Still I have to reign in that urge and I have to reign in so many other urges around her.

I spent lunch with her as close to by my side as I could allow. We sat at our own table and shared parts of ourselves with each other but it wasn't enough. It wasn't anywhere close to enough. After so many days without even allowing myself to look at her all I wanted was to keep her there with me or at least sit next to her in Biology and continue our conversation but Alice had seen that they were doing blood typing today in Bio and the last thing I need was to be trapped in a classroom full of bleeding children one of which I just realized I loved and was the biggest temptation of them all. However, fate was kind to me today and blessed me with more time with my angel. Who would have guessed that she would faint at the sight of blood and not even her own? What are the odds that the one woman meant for me would have an issue with blood? I thought I might fall out laughing. That was of course after I understood why she was sick. At first when I saw Mike with her pale body I thought he might have done something to her and the rage that filled me at the thought was more than I can describe. Still I was able to spend Bio with her after all and even her last period was afforded to me. And best of all she invited me to a beach party that all the kids are having. This was completely against Mike's thought but she didn't know that. However, it is at La Push and I have no desire to break the treaty now when I have finally found someone to give my life meaning. Besides I have a hunting trip scheduled with Emmett and he might kick my butt if I cancel because of a girl; especially a human. I hate the idea of leaving her alone for so long but I will be back Sunday and I will see her that night. I would ask Alice to lookout for her but that would be like adding lighter fluid to a fire. No, I just have to trust that she will be fine until I can return to her because I couldn't handle if something happened and I wasn't there. She is my heart now and I will protect her with all that I am until the end of time.


	6. Away

**I know this one took longer than the others but I was trying to think as Edward would being forced to be away from Bella. I hope that I did him justice. Send me a review and let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**AWAY**

Journal Entry 13

Hunting with Emmett hasn't what I expected it to be. It is like my whole world has changed since I realized that I love Bella. All I could think about was everything that could happen to her. I knew that I was getting on Em's nerves but he just let me ramble on. I have so many issues with Rosalie but I will always be grateful to her for bring Emmett into our lives. No one could ask for a better big brother. I know that I am "older" than him in existence but he is just so huge and burly that it seems wrong to think of him as a little brother. Either way he is the best. He got me to thinking that maybe fate had a hand in bring Bella to me. That there was someone out there somewhere that thought I deserved to find happiness. To find love. I know it can't even remotely be possible but if it where I would run to them and thank them for this wonderful creature that they saw fit to grace my life with and beg them to never take her away. To let me be able to love her forever as I knew that I would. But I knew that there wasn't anyone or at least if there was they didn't look out for monsters like me and I guess that was part of why I was so nervous. She was going to the beach. And even if you take away the threat of some old Indian elder telling her about me there was really the chance that she could fall into the ocean and never come back. She was so adorably clumsy and a beach just afforded so many ways that she could be hurt. I hated being away from her. Not being able to see her even in her sleep. What would she dream about tonight? Would she be thinking about me as much as I was thinking about her? I wanted to be there to see. I knew we were friends now but that just didn't seem like something that I could ask her. First I would have to explain how I knew that she talked in her sleep and then why it was so important to me. I would gladly tell her of my feeling if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't want to scare her. I am a monster and there is no way to explain without scaring her. I mean what would I say? "My freaky little sister had a vision of me falling in love with you and changing you into the same damnable thing that I am and as I was trying to convince myself to continue to stay away from you I stuck into your bedroom and listened to you talk in your sleep and realized that even though I had only talked to you twice and dreamed about killing you for a week I love you." Who wouldn't that scare? No I wanted her to trust me. To know that she was safe with me even though I knew that she completely wasn't. I could snap any minute and killer without thinking about it and even that thought couldn't change my need for her to not fear me. I needed her to know that I would die myself; I would deny myself what I wanted most in the world, rather than hurt her. I would find the strength to walk away before I would hurt her. I was the most dangerous thing in her life and still I wanted her trust and I worried that she wouldn't be safe without me there with her. I knew it didn't make sense but my world didn't make sense and yet it did. That I should fall in love with the one person in the world that I can't read and that drives me crazy with thirst seems like the most fitting punishment and absolution. If I can be with her and not kill her then I could begin to feel as though there was some forgiveness for the life that I have lead, but if I were to give in to the monster within and harm her the weight that would be upon my non-beating heart would be nothing less than what I have always known that I deserve.

Journal Entry 14

We got back earlier and I rushed to my angel's side. Sure she was sleeping but that is my favorite way to be with her. She isn't guarded and I don't have to act like I am not hopeless in love. I can just sit there and stare at her knowing that she is safe with me. Alice told me that Jasper's friends from his former life before he joined our family are coming to visit and all I could think about was Bella. They aren't "vegetarians" like us. I know that they always agree to not hunt in our neighborhood but just the thought that they would be anywhere close to Bella was more than enough to send me running to protect her. I mean I had been willing to fight Jasper for her, my brother, and that was before I realized that I loved her. I can't even fathom what I would do now to anyone that dared to hurt her. Dared to look at her with anything but the respect that she deserved. It would not be close to pretty. It would be in any close proximity to pretty. As I thought of the idea I wanted to walk over and hold her to calm myself down but I knew that I couldn't. I did walk over a little closer to her then normal just because I was so glad to know that no harm had come to her while I was away and then I noticed her hand. There were scratches but knowing Bella it could have been so much worse. I would ask her about it as soon as I saw her which made my heart smile. That was when I had thought that I might be able to see her in a few hours. But Alice saw that it would be sunny for the next few days and that we wouldn't be going anywhere near people. It would be days now before I could look into my angel's eyes. I hated that almost as much as I hated that I had left her to go hunting. I it wasn't rational. I knew that I had to go hunting and that I had to stay in during the sun light and on some level I knew that she would be fine but I needed her with me. I needed her next to me so that I knew that I could protect her. From everything even myself. She walked into the wood across from her house while I was gone. I don't know why and I know that I can't ask her that. I can't explain that I followed her sent into the wood and I needed to know what had prompted her to take such a silly risk. She wouldn't understand. She didn't know about me. She couldn't know about me. If she were to somehow find out she would leave. I knew this was for the best and that she should run away from me so that she could be safe, but the thought of never seeing her again was like someone punching a hole into my chest. I idea that I would never get to look into those amazing eyes again or that she might find someone else and say yes to them was a pain that couldn't be described. It would be for the best and I would have to let her go, but what would I do? How would I continue to exist if I couldn't be with her? She was my life now and I didn't think I could be in this world if she wasn't.

Journal Entry 15

I hate the sun. As a vampire you would already think that but I really hate the sun. Not that it would do anything to me no matter what all the movies tried to sell, but because it was keeping me away from my love. I hadn't seen Bella in almost three days. I guess that wasn't entirely true. I had seen her sleeping and I had seen her at school but only following her through others thoughts. I had to stop using Mike's and I am trying not to use Jessica's because they do nothing but anger me. The thoughts that Mike has about my Bella are enough to make me rip him apart as though he was an enemy vampire and Jessica is so two-faced that I want to block Bella from her as soon as she opens her mouth. My Bella is so trusting and she really believes that Jessica is her friend, but if she knew the thoughts that have gone through Jessica's mind. Still going through peoples thought to find her isn't the way that I want to be with her. I want to be able to look down into her beautiful chocolate eyes for myself. I wanted to hear her voice as she said my name and feel the same thrill that went through me the first time in her room with her fast asleep. One more day. I could handle one more day. Then I would be able to be with her again. Today she was suppose to go with that silly Jessica and Angela to Port Angeles but something happened and they didn't make it. They were going tomorrow. Today she ended up sleeping out in her backyard and for a second I thought she saw me again. It was so stupid but she had been reading a book and became so upset with it that I had to know why. I had been in a tree watching her and when I knew she was sleep I had jumped down to see what had upset her so. When I saw it I held my breath. My name was printed right in the middle of the page. I know it is a little egotistical to think that she was missing me but I couldn't help it. Before I could fully enjoy the idea I heard Charlie pulling up and I ran to hide but as she sat up she looked right my direction and called out to her dad. I don't know if she really thought he was there or if she just sensed a presence, but I stopped dead in my tracks waiting. Trying to come up with a passable excuse for being there but she got up and walked back into her house. It was strange because I had the feeling that even had she known it was me standing there she would have been okay with it. That as she called for her father she was really hoping that it was me. I know that doesn't make any sense and I am more than likely wrong but if I could be right. Well that might just be enough to make my dead heart start beating again.


	7. Port Angeles

**So I am thinking that I am going to have to combine a few chapters for the rest of the book. I had been trying to go by what SM had as chapters in Twilight but some of her chapters are only one day and it is hard to write one journal entry for a day and then do another chapter.**

**Thanks to everyone that has made this their favorite story and my reviewers. I still would like to know what everyone is thinking so please send me some more reviews. I would at least like to get to 10 if possible by the next chapter. That would be great!!**

**Disclaimer**- _Twilight _and all its associated characters, places and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and the copyright holders. This is a non for profit fan work and no copyright infringement is intended.

**PORT ANGELES**

Journal Entry 16

My life just started. It is so strange to know that I lived seventeen years as a human and almost ninety years as an immortal but I have never felt as alive as I do at this moment. If my heart could beat it would pound out of my chest. Even without the beating it re-started tonight. It started the moment I looked into her eyes. The moment she learned about me and didn't run away. It was more than I hoped for and so much more than I deserve but I must be the most selfish person on this earth because I took it.

She was in Port Angeles and things did not go as planned. Alice had told me that everything would be fine and not to worry but I had to be there and I am so glad that I was. I swear my Bella can get into trouble anywhere. I had told her that she was an accident magnet but I have upped it to danger magnet after tonight. I mean she was just supposed to be shopping for goodness sake. Alice shops all the time and has never gotten into the trouble that Bella seems destined to find. It would have helped if she had stayed with her friends, but no she decided to go off on her own exploring. True I should have been paying more attention but I didn't want to be un-gentlemanly and at one point I flashed into Angela's mind and she was changing. It was completely more that I wanted or needed to see. However, she still should have stayed with her friends, but no she went to a bookstore and didn't go in. Why would you leave the safety of your group to go off on your own to a bookstore and then not go in? By the time I located her she was being stalked by the vilest mind I have come across in a long time. It was all I could do to control my anger as I tore through the streets trying to find them. All I could think of was the ways that this parasite that dared to think of hurting my Bella was going to die. I had it all planned out by the time that I found them; which was just in time. They had her surrounded and my body ran colder than I have ever felt. I was coiled and ready to strike in the most deadly fashion imaginable but when Bella got into my car and looked at me with those amazing brown eyes I knew that I could do nothing that would make me any less worthy of her. I couldn't leave her to go kill these four ludicrously disgusting creatures; not for one second. She needed me and that was the most important thing. She was the most important thing. I spun around and got her as far away from them as I could while staying in the state of Washington. I probably would have taken her to Canada if it wasn't for the fact that I knew that I couldn't be that alone with her. But I did end up with her alone for a while. We went to dinner and then I drove her home. It was the closest thing to a date I have had in my whole life both human and vampire. When we were sitting in the restaurant and I was looking in her eyes I knew that I really couldn't lie to her anymore. I had thought it before but I knew it now. Whether she ran from me as she should or stayed as I wanted she deserved to have as much of the truth as I could safely offer her. I told her as much as I could tell her without crossing any lines. I even told her that I read people's minds. Well more like we told each other but she didn't freak out, yet she wouldn't tell me anymore of her theories about me. I was a little nervous about that especially since she had been to La Push but considering her last theory I was hopeful that it was along the same lines. Although the idea of me as a superhero is quite laughable. I was so much more the villain in this story. I was trying my best to steal her into my life. Knowing that I shouldn't have her and that I should walk away to keep her safe, but Alice had been right and I found myself wanting her more and more and the dinner went on.

Still it was the drive home that had sealed my fate. I thought it had been sealed when I had heard her call my name in her sleep and realized I loved her. But when she stared to tell me her theory and I knew that she knew the truth my heart broke. I had been worried that she might run into one of the elders at La Push but had never taken into account the young ones that didn't believe the truth within the stories. Then suddenly I realized that she had been with me the whole night and had known about me. She had known and still chose to stay with me when she could have gone home with her friends. My heart began to soar until she said that what I was didn't matter and that it was too late now. How can you feel the most overwhelming joy that has ever been in existence and the deepest sorrow to grace the earth at the same time? I had won her trust and I was the one person in the world that she should trust the least. But even knowing this I took it. I allowed it to continue. I even promised her that I would be at school the following day.

I knew that I should have left then. I should have dropped her off and left her be, but I can't. I'm invested now. Whatever happens to her happens to me. Good or bad she is my world and if I left her I would have nothing. My siblings always tell me that I have a flair for the dramatic and I am sure that I am sounding extremely theatrical, but it is how I feel. She is all to me and I am only hoping that I am not nearly close to that for her. Because if I am, god help her.

Journal Entry 17

She has changed me in ways I hadn't noticed until tonight. After I left her had gone home and wrote in this journal preparing to come back to watch her sleep as I do every night but as I was writing I began to think back over the night. I still wanted to do something about that man that had dared to want to do harm to Bella. I knew that if I went back to Port Angeles I could find him easily and I could destroy him without a second thought but could I do all that and then sit across from Bella tomorrow and still feel as though I had any right to her. I already fell so unworthy of the time that I have with her but to knowingly end another life while trying to be a person that she could trust didn't seem right. Sure I had ended a number of lives. Too many to mention and they were all of the same caliber as this one lone scum. However, that was before Bella. It was before when my heart, mind, and future had been my own. When I had answered to no one but myself. Now there was Bella and she owned my heart and mind and she was my future. I knew that I would answer to my feeling for her if I did this and it would be the one thing I couldn't comeback from. Part of me wanted to go and handle this for that simple fact. I wanted Bella safe and although I felt better when she was with me and I could look out for her Alice's vision of her dead in my arms still haunted me. It was less than it had been before but the monster within was still clinging to a possible future that gave him a shot at her blood. I knew she would be safer if I left. Yet even knowing all these I had given her my heart tonight all but saying the words and I needed her in my life. I needed her to make it a life.

With all of this in mind I went to Carlisle. If anyone would not only understand but guide my father would be it. I explained that it wasn't just revenge I wanted, although that was a big part, but it was the fact that I knew he would not be satisfied with losing his prey tonight. I had read his mind and witnessed his dark thought and I knew the kind that he was. He would find another and I didn't want to think that my actions would lead to some other woman being subject to all that he had planned for my Bella. Carlisle listened and then formulated the perfect plan. He smiled at me and thought of how I had changed. How Bella was making me a better person. There was such pride in his thought and eyes as he looked upon me that my knees almost wilted. I had never seen that before. Sure he had been overjoyed and relieved when I had returned after my adolescent rebellion and he had been beyond happy when I had gone to medical school, both times, but this was different. It was like there was a level that he hadn't been sure I could break and I had just broken it. I don't think that is right either but it was amazing to be the recipient of that look. Still I knew it had nothing to do with me. It was Bella. She had made me better, worth somehow if this moment. I know I am still not anywhere near worthy of her, more like the journey of a thousand steps, but it feels wonderful to know that I just got one step closer. Only nine thousand-nine hundred and ninety-nine to go.


End file.
